Team Perfection's Off Season Plans

Welcome back, true fans of perfection and awesomitude to the final installment of 2009 perfection! We truly feel it is unfortunate that the Ports 2009 season and celebration of 2008 greatness reaches its culmination. However, as fundamentally amazing members of this fine country and society, The Kyle's look at the positive--the 2009 offseason is about to begin! 

We have been fielding fan mail and an abundance of inquiries wondering what Greatness will be doing in the offseason. Well, our lovable San Joaquinians, inquire no more! Today we will celebrate the dark/morbid/sadness that is known as the offseason... no Ports baseball. However, closing the books on 2009 Ports baseball funnels The Kyle's into the opening of the book of life! So without further ado...

The Top 5 Offseason Klye's Endeavors and Contributions to the World.....BOOM GO!

Kyle Osgood's Top 5

1. DVR'n it - You may ask, "Kyle, what is this?"  Well, it's the new sport I invented.  Here is how you play.  The game is separated into two half's (Afternoon and Evening).  The first half tends to consist of comedies and sporting related shows, while the second half is mostly dramas.  In the middle there is a 30 minute halftime, which consists of ordering pizza, because as we know, "You got thirty minutes!"
2. Work on my "athletic skills" - I was not blessed with what "main-stream society" would consider a body made for sports, but my love for the game(s) is there.  Call me Rudy if you must!...No, seriously, please call me Rudy--I love that movie!
3. Watch the Championship runs - During the offseason, I expect championships from all of my favorite teams - Atlanta Braves (Wild Card to Champion), Kansas City Chiefs (Yeah, Raiders, you wanna fight about it?!), Nebraska Cornhuskers (Because we know the Big 12 will be dominating the realm of college football) and Wichita State Basketball (The miracle run begins in November).  All other offseason sports teams pale in comparison.
4. Enjoy my nights - Contrary to popular belief, my best nights were not spent in the box office.  I expect to frolic in the rain with a wonderfully smelling DeWitt and play Ping-Pong on our soon-to-be-acquired Ping-Pong table (Ethan, it's happening!)
5. Serve the people - Our fans are the lifeblood of our universe.  My offseason will consist of shaking hands and kissing babies.  Whatever I have to do to increase the fan base, I will do it.  Need your car washed...Done!  Need a back massage...Done!  Need someone to clean up after your pet....DeWitt is all yours!

Kyle DeWitt's Top 5

1. Sleep - I have a scheduled make-out session with my pillow and sheets (it's not as strange as it sounds). I know what you may be thinking, "Hey Kyle's, don't you do nothing while the team is on the road anyway?"  Short and simple response: Yes, we leave the ballpark to rot and turn into an unidentifiable wasteland until the team graces us with their presence from a road trip. No! We keep this ship sailing year round bucko (maybe you heard about a little thing called the Bob Dylan concert?)! The glamour of working in baseball is a fraud! Fifteen hour days get somewhat redundant and greatness and hotitude runs a little thin following an eight-game homestand, despite our deep, gold-plated and flex-fitted reserve tanks. So, I will sleep immediately following season's end... Deborah, hold all my calls til October!
2. Do Fun Stuff - I got some tennis to play with Watts, Madden with Bagen, FIFA with the Attack, Golden Tee with Osgood, Rock-em Sock-em Robots with Sharkey, fetch & tug-o-war with my dogs, Bed, Bath and Beyond and Home Depot with the lady if I have enough time, and so on. Also, the Ports front office softball team will bring the pain and make it rain on softball fields Stockton-wide! So stay up on the Ports Post blog to maintain awesomeness-awareness! I'm gonna go yard on some poor and unsuspecting Stocktonian... just a heads-up.
3. Get In Shape - A moment of humble honesty: The Kyle's are getting soft. However, don't let that admission fool you...we are still the most perfect and awesome duo to come at you since Peanut and Butter! Mmmm, peanut butter... this getting in shape thing may be an uphill battle. Don't judge and drop support--we are committed to a common goal!
4. FOOTBALL!!! - Yeah, duders it is time for some football! I will be avidly following and monitoring the 2009 Philadelphia Eagles Super Bowl season as well as my Ports fantasy football championship run. If you have a problem with my stone-cold-lock predictions you can go cry about it.  Just keep in mind there is no room for babies in football.  
5. Charity - I will be donating my salary to the development of greener fuel emissions testing, my time to freeing Tibet, my love to feeding the dwindling gazelle populations in Sudan, my thoughts to cleansing the world of disease, and my soul to extending life expectancy--all without stepping on the toes of world leaders, such as President Obama and Brett Favre (did you really think you could escape him at a Ports game!? Hahahaha you should know better!!!!) 

If you are worried about the discontinuation of The Kyle's, don't worry, we already inked our deal for 2010.  Next year we are planning on branching out to hardcover, but our publisher "Big Deal Industries" doesn't know if the world can handle this much hotitude in hardback form.

Make sure to keep up with the blog and Ports softball team in the offseason!

Until next year, stay hot Stocktonians!

We write for the people!

Cheers!